Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age  6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.  (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.   (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age 8)

6) - My  uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.  (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids.  They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?   (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.  ( Amy , age  6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.  (Chris, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.   (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I don't know.   (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad  was a sailor on the ocean.  He knows all about the ocean.  What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.  (James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor! 

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

This picture has made the rounds via email for several years. The last time I remember saving it was September 2011. Always good for a laugh though.

******************************************************

 

Somewhere near Rochester, New York, Ed set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m.

By 11:30 a.m. he was exhausted and hungry--and still no buck. At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards the remains of his lunch while a passerby snaps a quiet photo while trying not to startle the deer with a belly laugh.



Shot from the USS HONOLULU (Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine) at the Arctic Circle, 280 miles from the North Pole -- is there anything that scares a polar bear?





A definite entrepreneurial spirit...

It's good to focus on what's important...

Consider yourself warned...

Let's get all bases covered...

Clearly, you're not wanted on this property!...

And who said politics is boring?...


Like, how many was that?...

My personal favorite...

And, finally, the many shades of meaning...

Pretty Darn Cute

 

 

 

FIND A SUNBEAM TAKE A NAP

TIME FOR A FACE LIFT!!!

 

 

 

 

COMFY!

NOW THIS  IS RELAXED!!!!!

NICE IDEA FOR A DOGGY BED

SPOT THE INTRUDER???

 

 

 

 

PERFECT SPOT TO TAKE A NAP

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its  yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words…….

The winners are:

• Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,  and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
• Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
• Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
• Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

The last one is the pick of the literature!

Money

Verily I say unto ye..........
Money

It can buy a house

But not a home

It can buy a clock

But not time

It can buy you a position

But not respect

It can buy you a bed

But not sleep

It can buy you a book

But not knowledge

It can buy you medicine

But not health

It can buy you blood

But not life

So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend

and as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So…
Send me all your money

and I will suffer for you!

Ca$h only please!

BUT I WILL ACCEPT

MONEY ORDER$,

PER$ONAL CHECK$,

CA$HIER$ CHECK$,

BAG$ OF GOLD,

BAR$ OF PLATINUM, ETC.

PLEASE:

NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS.

THEY WILL BE RETURNED

After all, what are friends for, huh??

I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!
MONEY CAN'T BUY GOOFY E-MAILS, EITHER!!
They come from your crazy friends!